Ascard

I'm scared to blog! I haven't done it in such a long time. Maybe because I'm afraid of having to think about what to say.

But I started thinking tonight. For the first time in a while.

I don't have any goals in my life right now. I'm just kinda coasting. And I think I'm finally at the point where that isn't enough. Where I need to stop focusing on young, dumb, momentary fun, and start making really awesome things happen in the futre.

Maybe this blog can help. Haven't been using it a lot lately, maybe it can be inspiration. Or just another tiny goal.

Ode To My Bike

My bike was stolen today.

RIP Sabrina.

The bike I learned to ride on.

Short, cheap, comfy - you were just like the man that bought me for you.

We had some good times.

You will be missed.

And hopefully, replaced soon.

I rode my bike home from work today, like I do every day. Every day, in one way or another I have to go up the side of that hill I live on. I know I will grow to hate that hill. I'm going to curse it, and dread it and avoid it. I'll pant, and sweat, and get so sick of having to treck home- even though climbing six flights of stairs was worse- that I'm not going to be able to stand it.

And then, soon after that, I'm going to conquer it.

I'll bike up that hill like I was being carried. It'll be easy, and my legs will be strong and show it. And I'll be proud of the hill and how hard it made me work.

Some days, I'll hate the hill again.

But I'll also know that I conquered it. And that makes it easier.

The bike ride home at night is short. However, its a cool bike ride, and I've always wanted to write a poem about it.

The absurd stillness of the empty street.
The blinding headlights.
The trees stretching over the street like an awning.
Like Hands.
A thousand tragic accidents replay over and over in my head,
thrilling and scaring me.
I stay extra alert.

Fuck You

Copied from a myspace bulletin.


Our most versatile word. By its stress and inflection it
can describe many emotions. It can be used as a noun (I
don't give a fuck), as an objective (it's fucked), as a
verb in it's transitive form (the game was fucked up by
the weather), and it's intransitive form (I'll be fucked),
in the present tense (I'm fucked), in the past tense (I
was fucked).

It can be an an adverb (Mary is fucking interested in
John). It can also be used as an adjective(Mary is fucking
beautiful) or an interjection (Fuck! I'm late for my date
with Mary).

It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck
she's also stupid). As you can see, there are very few
words with the overall versatility of the word "fuck".

Many everyday expresions show it's true versatility ...

Denial -----------I didn't fucking do it
Perplexity -----------I know fuck all about it
Apathy------------ Who really gives a fuck, anyhow?
Greetings------------ How the fuck are you
Resignation-------- Oh fuck it
Derision ----------He fucks everything up
Suspicion ---------Who the fuck are you
Panic------------- Let's get the fuck out of here
Directions ----------Fuck off
Disbelief ---------How the fuck did you do that
Fraud ------------- I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble ---------- I guess I'm fucked now.
Aggression ----------FUCK YOU!
Disgust ---------------Fuck me.
Confusion ------------What the fuck.......?
Difficulty -------- I don't understand this fucking business!
Despair --------- Fucked again...
Pleasure-------- I fucking couldn't be happier.
Displeasure---------- What the fuck is going on here?
Lost -------------Where the fuck are we.
Disbelief----------- UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!
Retaliation----------- Up your fucking ass!

The word has been used throughout history by many famous
people. Some of the more notable quotations are:

What the fuck was that
-- The Mayor of Hiroshima

Look at all the fucking Indians
-- General Custer

Where's all that fucking water come from
-- Noah

Any fucker can understand that
-- Einstien

It fucking looks like her
-- Picasso

Where the fuck are we
-- Christopher Columbus

I'm fucking blowing bubbles
-- Michael Jackson

How the fuck do you work that out
-- Pythagarus

You want what on the fucking ceiling
-- Michael Angelo

Fuck a duck
-- Walt Disney

Why? Because it's fucking there
-- Sir Edmond Hillary

I don't suppose it's fucking raining
-- Joan of Arc

I didn't want to fucking go anyway
-- Sebastian Coe

I haven't got a fucking clue
-- Miss Marples

Scattered showers my fucking arse
-- Noah

She wants how much fucking money?!?!?
-- Donald Trump

Look! Almost every fucking kernel popped!
-- Orville Reddenbacher

We'll fucking smoke those fuckers out of their fucking caves!
-- George W. Bush

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "Fuck"? Use it frequently in your daily speech; it will add to your prestige

Today say to someone "FUCK YOU"

Exerpt

I've always been a pretty successful person, considering. I wasn't born into this world with a lot of money, family stability or connections, but for my age and demographic, in my hometown, I was always kinda a star.

I was choir president my Senior Year of High School, President of the theatre club for the second year in a row, went to state competitions for various things three times that year and shot a sex ed film that is shown in classrooms all over the world now. I also starred in three plays and acted in two more. This is just an overview of what I was doin with myself when I wasn't in class (which wasn't a lot- I skipped at least one class a day, usually) or working (my senior year I worked at Hooters), or smoking, or fucking. I'm not trying to brag. I'm just sayin that I've always excelled at what I did. And that's just senior year.

I think it's cuz I had goals.

Now... I feel like I don't do anything I can put down on paper as "acomplishments". Yeah, I honestly love my life, and much happier than I was in High school.... But I'm not DOING anything with myself. Sure, I stay busy and active, and yes, I'm going to school, but I'm not even working on a degree! I'm jut takin classes and working to support my lifestyle. I have no savings or long term plans that make me want to save. I'd rather spend that extra twenty bucks on a gram.

I can see very easily how someone can end up working in a restaurant when they're 40.

But I don't want that to be me! I'm concious of whats goin on, so now I just gotta do something about it. I just don't know what...

Thank God I'm still young. I got an excuse. But if I'm in the same place in five years, or even three, that I am today, I'm going to get very nurvous.

When I daydream about my future, I see myself successful. Changing the world and affecting lives. But that don't mean shit unless I do something between now and then besides sit around and wait for it to happen.

It sucks that all my short term goals deal with money. If I gotta spend so much time focusing on rent, or work, or how I'm going to pay for this or that, when do I get to focus on L I V I N! not to mention my future.

Thats why the poor stay poor. They don't have any time to daydream.

A Book Year in Review

So on Facebook I keep a list of all the books I read. Today, as I was adding the latest to the list (The Darwin Awards- I didn't say every book was heady. Light reading is fun too) I realized it's been one year since I started keeping track. I figure now is the time to do a lil recap, a look back on my year in books.

I read 3o books this last year. The first was "What Makes A Man", a book I borrowed from an ex-coworker who left the job before I could return the book. I still have it. I read about two books a month. In December, a busy month where I camped, partied, visited my folks, turned 20 and got away from myself a little too much, I didn't read any. I made up for it in January where I read six books, and all before school started.

So here's a recap of my year, awards show style.

BEST: "Haunted", Chuck Philanuk's newest book. I devoured it in a weekend curled up in bed during a chilly November cold front. It was about a group of writers trapped in a house for a month together, all tourturing themselves to get the best story. A book for a writer, by a writer, and haunted me for a while. I love books that stay with you.
Runner-up:"Elephant's on Acid" was a book I read last July on the floor of my living room at my last apt. It was also a quick read (all the best books are) and was just a collection of reports of the strangest experiements. I'm such a nerd for odd scientific data.

MOST INSPIRING: "Rule By Secrecy" This was about the secret societies that really run the world and their hidden agendas. It got me all passionate about conspiracy theories and had me sproutin crazy alien talk (read the book to understand) for a few months.
Runner-up: "Nickel and Dimed" a fairly famous book by a woman who *gasp* joined the working class for a few months. It made me realize how much I didn't want to be waiting tables when I'm thirty.

MOST FORGETABLE: "Simply Irrisistable" must not have been, cuz I don't remember reading it at all. I hope it was good. Yeah, it was a year ago that I picked it up, but I guess that's why I should keep track of the books I read even more. I've probably read hundreds of books in my lifetime that I couldn't name.
Runner-up: "The Most of It" Don't have anything to say about this one either. I can't even tell you what the cover looked like.

BOOK I HAD ALWAYS WANTED TO READ BUT NEVER HAD GOTTEN AROUND TO: "Gone With the Wind" Hands down one of my favorite movies, so it's weird that I read the book. Having read it, I have to give the screenwriter a pat on the back for doing such a good job on the translation from book to screen. The only thing missing besides a few useless characters (Like Scarlett's other children) was the racism. The movie probably wouldn't have aged as well as it has. Props for keeping that off the screen.
Runner-up: "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" Not a bad book, but I wondered where all the hype was coming from.

I feel a pull back to blogging.

I've been dreaming more, and three times in the last month someone said to me "You should write a blog". Well, surprise, surprise, I already have one! And it's full with unfinished blogs that aren't seen on this front page, posts that ramble, that had good points that are lost now (I started many at the end of long nights) and posts that are never going to be published. But I also have a lot to say. Good things, I think. And with my summer free time, its something I really want to get back into.

I will have to ease myself back into the blogging pool slowly, but eventually I'll submerge myself and get back to enjoying writing for writings sake

Blogging for the first time in a while is like going back to the gym.

You remember the burn, the exhausted relief when its done, the inner tug-of-war before you start. You want it to be part of your daily routine again, as automatic as a flossing.


Its scary to do