Open Letter

This was thrown on me out of the blue.

Something in my psyche knew it was coming- I was dreadful and nervous about you coming back, and I didn't know why; I planned break up talks I couldn't think of needing to use- but you really threw me for a loop saying what you did last night. I feel like the plush Persian rug of our pretty little relationship was just pulled out from underneath me.

What happened in these last two weeks that made you so sure it's not going to work? I know what happened- you fell in some pussy (AND expect me to be OK with that) and went on a life changing trip made to shake your shit up. The cheating is almost expected (still doesn't make it right) but how could you go from being my best friend and a wonderful boyfriend and so in love with me to sure we are totally over?

I know you to your deepest core. I see you for who you are (good, and slimy cheating bad) and love you for it. I know you better than you know yourself, and I know our relationship. I can see and have always been able to see the roles we've given each other, good or bad, and I have been OK with them. We have a codependent relationship because we've built it, built it with full knowledge of what we were doing. I hesitated at first- not wanting to borrow money, always come to you with problems, or stop sleeping without you- but you were so encouraging me in my neediness, you wanted so much to take care of me, that I wallowed in you like a happy little pig covered in the mud of your emotions.

I'm not here to place blame, mostly because I think it will turn you off and stop you from being receptive to what I have to say, but I was totally aware of where we stood with each other. And I thought you were too. I guess you were- the only difference is that I was OK with it, and I guess you weren't.

The positive spin I'm seeing on all this (and hoping you'll, too) is that our problem is not communication, or respect (although cheating isn't very respectful) or love or any relationship killers like that- the problem we have is the roles we've set ourselves up in. Roles can change. We can make our relationship different and be successful at it because we at the core have the beautiful, well oiled motor that keeps all good relationships running- respect, communication, love, and (well, I used to think) a desire to make it work. We still can, and I know you maybe don't want to, but it would really taint the memory of our relationship if you don't at least try.

I'm not trying to say we should get married, I just know once it's over it's over and I'm not sure you realize that. There will be no back treading with this relationship, no 4 AM 'what was I thinking?!' revelations. I refuse to try and fix myself to then have you come back into my life two days, or two weeks, or six months later and turn me into a puddle of myself because you had a change of heart. I cannot stress this enough, so I'll say it again- when it's over, its over. That's why I think we should give it one last shot. It might be a way for us to realize we're not good for each other, but it would be easier for me to ease out of this slowly that to get sent flying through the air just to land on my ass.

This is what I propose we do- two dates a week for the next month. No sleeping over, no dating anyone else (!!), no future plans. Just the two of us hangin out, cookin dinner, going for a hike, getting to know each other on a level we skipped as we went from casually dating to practically married. Let's take a step back and use our romantic relationship like most people do- someone to talk to and have sex with, a warm body whose company you enjoy. Nothing else.

This slow down approach could be really good for us, not just in regards to our relationship, but on a personal, rest-of-your-life-kinda-lesson. You will finally have to be in a relationship where you're not playing daddy, (cuz let's be real, that's what you do) and I will gain the confidence and self sufficiency that comes with standing next to you, but on my own two feet.

And if it doesn't work? If we can't stick to those rules, if we end up bickering the whole month, or we find out we really just don't like each other that much after all... well, it would be easier to have eased out of this s-l-o-w-l-y than this sudden jarring rip that you gave my heart last night. I will be able to prepare myself for a youless life, I won't have any 'what if...?' midnight conversations with myself, and I'll be able to hold on to the respect and trust I've built for you these last four months. I don't want to hate you, and I don't want to become jaded and distrustful of relationships after this. Our relationship meant too much to me to be left with the bitter taste in my mouth of biting down too hard on my tongue.

So do it for me. One last thing for your needy, twenty year old girlfriend. At the very least, try and earn back your karma points you lost when you cheated on someone who thinks the sun shines out of your ass...

If you're reading this, it probably means we already talked. This is just a rough draft of what I want to say to you tonight. (although hopefully with less talk of your infidelity. It hurts, but it's not the big issue here) Maybe you're reading this to get a better understanding of what the fuck I was talking about as you gather my shit from your house, or maybe it'll be a way to install confidence in us making it work. Either way, I'll always have a special place in my heart for you. A Jew shaped scar that I feel with every drop of blood pumpin through...

Don't make the same mistakes again, and I promise I won't.

Caroline