Melodrama

What does one say when everything has been said?

My only reply to the situation would be to nit pick little things you said in order to get you to respond. But that will just drag it all out a little more. I'll be falling back into the cliched role I've been playing.

God, why is life so damn cliche??

I saw all of this coming. I saw the beginning, end, and all the corny little whispered nothings in the middle. I saw me writing this fucking blog like I read the god damn script. I feel like I'm in a fuckin film more than I ever have in my life, and what started out as a comedy is turning into a melodrama. 

You know a little rain helps you better appreciate the sunshine. 

One day I'm gonna look back on this as an important episode of my life. A learning experience. 

Blah blah blah. 

I have to keep telling myself the cliched shit. 

Last Dance With Mary Jane

Here I am, starting what feels like my first real blog in a while. The last couple weeks have been a blur of moving, money issues and heart break, all clouded up by a fog of marijuana smoke. 

BUT!

I'm quitting the mary jane Monday after one last big ole bowl. I really really really really don't want to, but I feel like if I don't follow through on this, I won't be able to look myself in the face. In the mirror. 

So in order to make up for the three months of sobriety (at least from the wacky weed) that are to come, I've been tokin it up a lot. A lot. 

I haven't thought clearly in months, but on purpose. Besides when I was out of town, it has been months since I went more than a day without being high all day long. I know it's summer, and that's what you're supposed to do, but I also know I spent waaaaay too much money on dope these last few months and that I was way less productive than I said I would be. 

I'm kinda scared though. I'm not gonna lie. I've been thinking about me quitting every day for the last few weeks, what with the impending doom headed in my direction. 

I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it. Most of my pot head friends have been tryin to talk me into makin exceptions- only on weekends, or just quit for a week. But as temptin as that sounds, I know that would be cheatin. 

If I can get through these next three months - and seriously, what's three months in the span of a lifetime? Nuttin, that's what - I can use them productively and be proud of myself. 

Unless I become a lush, which is always a possibility. 

Untitled 1

I'm so angry this morning. I'm so angry and I don't know why.

Well, I do know why. 

But why does someone I care so much about have to be hellbent on having an unhappy life? Why do I care about self destructive people? Are there any people out there who are not self destructive? 

Probably not. I have a bomb strapped to my chest in this situation too. 

Anniversary

One year in Austin...

Oh what a year.

I'll talk about it later- gotta go to work. But this year has been a memorable one for me. Fur sure

Molasses

I'm moving in a couple days!

Yay!

I'm sooo not packed. 

I hope it works out.

Pray to your gods for me!

Some other thoughts...

Emotions are fleeting. Actions are what will really matter when I look back on this in a year. What I do will follow me into the future, not how I feel. I have to ignore my feelings right now, and try not to get them to influence me into doing something I will later regret. Mostly, though, I'm just trying to get myself to talk myself into doing something stupid. All I need to do is justify it to myself for just long enough to sabotage me... right?

Thank God I have moving to distract me.

Stand

So I'm lying on my living room floor in my underwear, eatin a baked potato and avoiding all the things I'm really supposed to be doing. Man, I'm a little disappointed in myself. I had all these goals and self improvements lined up for this summer. 

Every time I set up goals for myself, I always overdo it. I pretend I'm Superman and think that I can do everything, and discount things like changed plans, sick days, and unexpected visits from my mother. 

I feel like I flaked off this sumer. Thank God I've at least stuck with my whole quitin smokin deal. 

Well, at least I learned a lot about myself this summer. Also this IS one of the last times in my life that I'm going to be able to wake up at noon and stay in my pjs all day on a regular basis, something I enjoy more than I'd like to admit. 

Damn, I never meant for this thing to get so depressing! I thought I was pretty happy- I mean, I am- but I guess everyone needs an outlet for the darker parts of their thoughts. At least it's better then carrying them around with you like a bad smell. My blah posts are to keep me cheery everywhere else. 

I am oh so filled with delusional thoughts today.

I've been feeling a lot lately that by my habit of lookin on the bright side has turned into me lying to myself. I think I need to take a step back and look at some things realistically. First, though, I gotta figure out what that really means.

Here's another thing I've been toyin round in my brain: lies by omission. Both to myself and others. I think I'm avoiding somethings because I don't wanna stir shit up. 

Sometimes shit needs to get stirred though.

Ouch

What do you do for someone whose hurtin, but doesn't want to help themselves? Who does NOT want to help themselves at ALL? 

It makes me angry. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. Frustrated, helpless, disgusted and pissed off. 

Watching a friend, someone you care about, or at least used to, self-destruct like a lemur jumpin off a cliff, like a super computer in an 80s sci fi movie, like an idiot bangin his head against a wall again and again and again.... It's a hard thing to see. 

Does it make me a bad friend for not wanting to be around that? Is 'all I can do,' more than I've already done? 

I want to wash my hands of this situation. Nothing I say or do is makin any difference, and if one is completely hell bent on fucking up one's life... I can't stand being around all that negative energy. I don't like the way I feel when I'm around it. I feel like I can't breathe, and that I have this big, dark lump sitting on my chest. Uck. Ew. Get me out of here!

Yeah, I can't put up with watching friends (or a friend) fuck themselves up over and over and over again. But how can I save the world if I can't even influence

 

-just a little bit- 

one 

person 

in it? 

holy shit

I just watched this film called "Endgame" by the slightly crazy Alex Jones. 

We're all fucked. 

Ack!

 

Here in Austin, we have this lil bookstore called brave new books. It's a tiny room in a basement filled with books whose subject matter could be most correctly collected as, "conspiracy theories." 

I'm pretty liberal, but one can't help be a little wary of extremist groups, be it mormons, vegans, or hard-core Dallas Cowboy fans

I've only been there once and didn't buy anything, but I did have a very enlightened conversation with the stores owner. He quoted me a bunch of scary facts that I don't want to know, but should, and told me why he opened the store ('because there was a need to get this information out there... and there wasn't anything like this in Austin.' This I found very admirable.) He told me Ron Paul was the way to go, and that if Obama made Clinton his running mate, he'd be dead with in a year. He also gave me a collection of burned documentaries on all kinds of scary facts I don't want to know, but should. I shook his hand after our 30 minute conversation and walked out of that store confident in my ability to become a champion for truth, ready to sponge up all the 'real' scoop and dispense my knowledge on the masses. 

A month later, and I've never seen even one of those films. I've quoted that 'Obama Assassination' theory a few times at social gatherings to look intelligent, but haven't done anything to increase even MY knowledge, let alone any masses. I kinda just did what I did before- figured yeah, there are a few things that are a lil screwed up about our government, but I don't feel like doing anything about it. But then, just right now, I read this:

U.S. agents can seize travelers' laptops: report

Fri Aug 1, 7:31 AM ET

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - U.S. federal agents have been given new powers to seize travelers' laptops and other electronic devices at the border and hold them for unspecified periods the Washington Post reported on Friday.

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Under recently disclosed Department of Homeland Security policies, such seizures may be carried out without suspicion of wrongdoing, the newspaper said, quoting policies issued on July 16 by two DHS agencies.

Agents are empowered to share the contents of seized computers with other agencies and private entities for data decryption and other reasons, the newspaper said.

DHS officials said the policies applied to anyone entering the country, including U.S. citizens, and were needed to prevent terrorism.

The measures have long been in place but were only disclosed in July, under pressure from civil liberties and business travel groups acting on reports that increasing numbers of international travelers had had their laptops, cellphones and other digital devices removed and examined.

The policies cover hard drives, flash drives, cell phones, iPods, pagers, beepers, and video and audio tapes -- as well as books, pamphlets and other written materials, the report said.

The policies require federal agents to take measures to protect business information and attorney-client privileged material. They stipulate that any copies of the data must be destroyed when a review is completed and no probable cause exists to keep the information. 

AHHHH!!!

So how is that like the 4th Amendment? (Yes, I had to wiki it.) 

Is it better to live in a country where you KNOW you're just a pawn with few real rights, or live in a country where you ARE a pawn with few real rights... and don't even know it. 

Oy. 

I think I better watch one of those documentaries. I don't think I really want to know what they know.

I think all this talk is just a way for me to avoid cleaning my room. 

Word.

Uh oh

What matters more? 

What you feel, or...

?

Fun Bits

So I saw Knocked Up recently for the first time. 

I really liked it. I thought it was scarily true to life for the most part. (I did have some issues with Katherine Heigl's decision making skills... but that will have to wait for later. It's 2 AM and I work tomorrow. This needs to be short. OK, I'm done now) The characters and situations were funny and oh-so-real. I laughed out loud many times, and will def watch it again. 

But one scene has stuck in my mind over all the rest the last couple days. It seemed too real, hit a little too close to home for comfort. The scene I'm talking about is the first sex scene, when they're coming home drunk from the bar. The two leads rip off each others clothes, wrestle around in bed a little bit, have an awkward moment with a condom (but seriously, there is no cool way to handle that situation anyway) and then have passionless, self absorbed sex. There's no foreplay, no real affection for each other... they don't even look like they're enjoying it that much. They're just two drunk-ass people who want to get their jollies off. They'll fuck anyone.

I'm not saying either character is slutty; they're both fucking just to fuck. 

When I saw that scene I got a little *shudder*

It wasn't just Seth Rogan shirtless- I'd had sex like that before, and I never want to again. I have no problem with casual sex or one night stands. I just hope hope HOPE I never am that desperate for some lovin' that I fuck someone I don't really like or don't have a connection with just so I can get my fun bits tickled. 

That movie changed my life.

May I never fuck just to fuck again.