Wednesday, September 17, 2008

...

So...

I quit school. And now... what?

That thought has been freaking me out for the last week. It's why I haven't blogged. I told myself I would write something about my future plans and goals now that I have that taken education of the way to free up my time. But... I haven't had anything to say.

I know dropping out was the right thing for me and I'm going to have a goal to move toward and be successful at that, if only because there is no way I would ever not be successful at life, but this middle period, this limbo called young adulthood, college years, early twenties... this is the place I'm stuck and it's a little scary.

I feel like it* is right there in front of me in the dark, so my fingertips slash the air just in front of it... I feel like I'm walking out of my house missing something, but I can't remember what... like I'm staring at two slightly different pictures in the back of a coloring book, knowing something's missing.... but what

I don't know. 

I need to clear my head and go sit somewhere and conquer this thing, this monster dark cloud crowding the back of my mind.

A one month plan...

A six month plan...

A year plan...

Fuck the five year plan, because I hope I'm doing something in five years that I can't even imagine today. 

But I do need to make the other plans, because I'm not sleeping. I get insomnia when I have too much on my brain. And I do.

I need to take some time... somewhere... and think about this for a while. 

More later.

*It being something I need to work towards. Whatever it is I'm going to do with my life. What I'm going to do tomorrow. My goals. My future.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Edjamacation

So.

I'm thinking about dropping out of school this semester.

Ouch.

It's kind of scary seeing that in font. The more I think about it,  however, the more I think it's the best idea for me. 

I paid for my classes myself. No financial aid, no money from mommy. I'm totally willing to cut my losses right now and just get however much of that back as I can. 

I had lots of homework to do tonight, and even though I locked myself in my room at eight, and stared at the pile of work in front of me until two, I still only got four math problems done. 

That's it. 

I'm not ready for this. I'm not emotionally or spiritually ready for school right now. Physically, it's making me sick. I get up and go to class with a resounding NONONONONONONOOoooo... ringing between my ears. I have no wish to be there at all, no matter how interesting my classes are, no matter how much I try to change my attitude. 

I'm a huge believer of changing situations that make you unhappy. Don't like your job, relationship or living situation? Do something about it. If something about your life sucks, it's not worth living through. Whether it's an attitude adjustment, adding something stimulating to your life, or straight up loosing the negative, there's always a way to change your situation. I believe that more than anything. Put it on a fucking bumper sticker, a t-shirt, or embroider it on to a mother fucking pillow- that's my code for life. 

And although I've tried to talk myself into thinking proactively, telling myself it's a learning experience to do something I hate so much, that I can drop out next semester, that I'm already here, I might as well finish, that my teachers are interesting and my classes are stimulating (they are!) trying to change my attitude just aint cuttin it for me anymore. I am sooo unhappy with school (I even hate thinking the word. Talk about bad tastes in your mouth. Uck) that I feel like there's a weight on my chest when I think about it. Which is most of the time. I can't breathe, my mouth puckers up at the corners like wet paper and this heaviness settles into the bottom of my lungs as I hyperventilate. 

Why am I making the main focus of my life something that makes me so unhappy?

It doesn't make any sense!

My reasons for staying in school this semester were pretty flimsy. I'm at a community college, that, while a very good school with wonderful teachers, was never supposed to and will not be the peak of my educational career. I'm not taking any classes right now I really need, if only because I'm not sure what I wanna be when I grow up anyway. The main reasons I'm in school right now are to stay on my mother's insurance, which is a dumb idea anyway, since I haven't used it since I left her house, (my mouth is full of cavities, and I've been wearing glasses with two year old prescriptions for a month and a half because I don't have any contacts left.) and on the advice of well meaning friends and people in my life. 

To those cardboard houses of arguments I reply (respectively) insurance is not a reason to change your life, especially not insurance you're (I'm?) not using, and, although I appreciate the advice and caring of those that tell me to finish school before I start livin life, they are not me. They might know the conventional thing to do, but I have to listen to my heart above all else, and my heart is dying sitting in a classroom for three hours every day. It's not much, but it's also not what I need to be doing right now. I can't do it. Besides, since when have I ever been conventional? I've never followed the beaten path. There's no reason to start now. 

It's all nice and justified here on the computer at three AM (when I'm stressed, I don't sleep. And I looove to sleep. A Lot) but I still really worry about two things-

what my mommy's gonna say, 

and

that I'm gonna become a lazy pothead. 

I'll answer those directly, but now I think the sleeping pill has kicked in.

I'll finish this in the mornin. 

*Morning*

I just called my mom! I told her straight up how I feel, and although she was so angry she couldn't talk to me, I told my mother what I was going to do and didn't back down. There's a  victory in there somewhere. 

As for me becoming a lazy pothead, I'm actually going to stick to my no-smoking-for-the-rest-of-the-semester rule. Just because I'm not in a formal educational situation (man, I'm acting like I've already dropped all my classes!) doesn't mean I can't expand my mind. I'm going to stick with my acting class, read more (!) and maybe even take a few informal classes. I'm thinkin tae kuan do or yoga. Things to keep my mind and body healthy. 

But now I need to go to school. If I'm sticking with acting class, it starts in an hour, and then I actually gotta drop my classes. 

Man, what a weight has been lifted! I feel so light. 

I can do this!

Right?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

On Blogging And Alcohol

I really should be doin homework :)

Or a million other things besides this. I really don't want to think about it. 

But I'm really lovin bloggin. I'm feelin energized and inspired by my own thoughts read and reread over again as I roll em around my brain. My thoughts fly out the tips of my fingers and all over the computer screen so much more quickly than when I write them. And since I'm really just writing to myself, everything I have to say is interesting. I can talk about myself and whatever useless point might tickle my fancy at the time. Like vegetables versus fruit, the stigma of being naked, and how much I hate school. I have all kinds of blogs just waiting to come out of me. Maybe I'll try some open letters. 

Here's one now-

 I'm really surprised how quickly it took me to get over you. I'm not discounting my feelings, because I know that I really did care about you, but it's kinda surprising that - just like that - one day I was able to wake up and not think about you with my heart fluttering around like a handful of petals in the wind. Oh, also, you're never going to get out. And that thought doesn't hurt me any more. 

Hmm... That didn't feel as good as I thought it would... but who cares? This is my fucking blog- I can put whatever I want! F-R-E-E-E-E ing.

Like how I feel about drinking. I don't like to drink. Getting drunk is high on my least favorite activities list. I don't like how the world doesn't sit still, and how incredibly shitty I feel the next day. Like I'm sick, like I have the period cramps from hell, like my small intestine is carving it's name (Juniper) on the inside of the flesh that stretches across my belly.

Why do I do it, though? What could possibly inspire me to want to drink so much I have to get up close and personal with my toilet? 

I think it's because I want to feel like shit.

Everyone has their self destructive behaviors, and I've noticed that every time I've gotten druuuunnk, it was because I wasn't feeling too good in the rest of my life. I always know what's going to happen when I have more than four drinks, and I never like it. 

If I had a nickel for every time I've said "This is why I don't drink"....

I would have a lot of nickels.

It kinda sucks that what I always choose to do when I'm spiritually not feeling well makes me physically ill as well, but maybe it's a good thing. I don't drink very often, besides a beer here and there. If I liked drinking more, I would probably be gettin drunk every weekend, and then nursing a hang over every Monday. 

Ugh. I'm just imagining waking up sick every morning. I pity alcoholics. And I really want a cigarette. 


Self Preservation

I feel like a drama queen a lot lately. Not on purpose, I don't need the added attention or for my life to be difficult. But when you feel something so intensely your heart is melting in your chest, your blood is skipping in your veins and your breath comes out in pulses, people see that, and that tends to draw a little attention to yourself. 

It sucks to care so much about someone. Anyone. Parents die, children grow up and hate you, friendships fade and lovers aren't perfect. People are bound to disappoint and hearts were made to be broken. 

But right now, the thought roaming around in my skull is how terrified I would be if someone very near and dear- the top eight (or ten, twelve or fifty-two) of my life, you could say- were to get hurt in some way. Even just the stupid little stuff I want to feel for them. Their stubbed toe is my stubbed toe, the hangovers, embarrassment, parking tickets, and shitty days at work I take on like my own. 

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have the right to feel so responsible? It's selfish in a way, to think that you have to take care of those you love like that. It's a mockery of self importance to title yourself superman, savior of the world. 

But the thought that the last few days events has brought back to the front and center of my brain is one that I used to fear for a lot in high school. It would hit me in the middle of a hug, or while I watched him play with his friends or tell a joke and then just laugh and laugh and laugh.

If anything were to happen to my baby brother, I would loose my mind. Literally and fully. I couldn't live. 

I don't want to care so much about people. I don't! If I keep myself so open and vulnerable, I'm bound to get hurt. I can't spend my life coddling and trying to protect everyone. I feel like I'm stretched out like a sheet pulled tight at the corners into a makeshift tent, the kind kids make in livingrooms to hid themselves and all their stuffed animals under. I'm trying to cover everyone I know, from my roommates to the lady who sells flowers outside the scientology building and everyone in between. But the sheet can't cover everyone. It pulls and tears and frays at the edges and I just get tired. So I don't call back... mock strangers... let friendships fade.

I am just too sensitive. 

But I think the world needs people like me, to balance out the cynics. They have their place too, the selfish, self-preserving people who hold their hearts close to the chests and kiss with their eyes open. 

Sometimes I wish I had the ability to be like that, even for a few days. A week of not giving a shit who gets hurt, because, hey, people get hurt, right? It's all part of the circle of life. But even when I pretend to be like that, walk by the bums smelling like sweat on the street, roll my eyes at something cute, bitch at my mom, I feel like a faker. I can't get the joy from that sort of stuff that other people can. 

I'm not talking about me at my worst though. Sitting here with my blood swimming with alcohol I didn't need to drink, I'm remembering all the times in just the last twenty-four hours I wasn't very nice. I know I'm being a little hypocritical saying that I care so much, because it's not even possible to be that way 24/7. But know that it's def something I strive for, even in the worst of times, to be as good - whatever that means - as I can. Spread the good karma. Shine a little sunshine. 

At the end of every paragraph while writing this, I've taken a breath and thought, "that's enough." but it hasn't been. I think it's enough now. I've really been enjoyin blogging. It feels good to purge myself of all the murky, oily junk smelling up my soul. And this blog, of all of them, has been a good one for me. I needed this.  

Friday, September 5, 2008

L O V E

How do you really judge love? Is it even possible? Are you ever really sure how much someone cares about you... or should you always snuggle with one eye open, second guess, and not ever jump in eyes closed and feet first? And on that note, are you ever sure how you feel about someone, or are your feelings about someone else just reflections of how you feel about yourself?

And on that note, how do you know if anything's real? The grass the sky, the feelings you feel beatin inside your own chest?

Woah, that's takin it a little too far. I need to back up now...

I feel like a drama queen a lot lately. Not on purpose, I don't need the added attention or for my life to be difficult. But when you feel something so intensely your heart is melting in your chest, your blood is skipping in your veins and your breath comes out in pulses, people see that, and that tends to draw a little attention to yourself.

It sucks to care so much about someone. Anyone. Parents die, children grow up and hate you, friendships fade and lovers aren't perfect. People are bound to disappoint and hearts were made to be broken.

But right now, the thought roaming around in my skull is how terrified I would be if someone very near and dear- the top eight (or ten, twelve or fifty-two) of my life, you could say- were to get hurt in some way. Even just the stupid little stuff I want to feel for them. Their stubbed toe is my stubbed toe, the hangovers, embarrassment, parking tickets, and shitty days at work I take on like my own.

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have the right to feel so responsible? It's selfish in a way, to think that you have to take care of those you love like that. It's a mockery of self importance to title yourself superman, savior of the world.

But the thought that the last few days events has brought back to the front and center of my brain is one that I used to fear for a lot in high school. It would hit me in the middle of a hug, or while I watched him play with his friends or tell a joke and then just laugh and laugh and laugh.
If anything were to happen to my baby brother, I would loose my mind. Literally and fully. I couldn't live.

A Lil Bit Bout Me

1) Ever had sex in a publi​c place​?​
Not today... but then again, it's not even noon


2) Do you hate more than 3 peopl​e?​
You, yo momma and Al Greene 



3) How many house​s have you lived​ in?
I don't believe in roofs- currently I'm campin out in a tent outside a baptist church. 


9) Do you own a Britn​ey Spear​s CD?
I own a lock of her hair


10) Have you ever throw​n up in publi​c?​
Just once... and it wasn't so much "in public" as on camera... There was also another girl and a cup involved, but I don't need to go into the details.


11) Name somet​hing that is alway​s on your mind?​
Sex


12) Favor​ite genre​ of music​?​
Bulgarian folk-pop


13) What is your zodia​c sign?​
Sagittarius- the luckiest of the signs


14) What time were you born?​
I don't know! I have blocked out any and all memories involving my mother's vagina


15) Do you like someo​ne?​
Well, since you asked, I've been harboring a bit of a crush on Sarah Palin...


16) Have you made a prank​ phone​ call?​
The Jerky Boys learned all they know from me


17) What is the most embar​rassi​ng CD you own?
My personal karaoke recordings of Bruce ''the Boss" Springsteen's greatest hits. 


18) Are you sarca​stic?​.​.​
no


19) What are your favor​ite color​(​s)​?​:​
Purple


20) How many watch​es do you own?
I don't need a watch. I tell time through the chip implanted in my head


21) Summe​r or winte​r?​
Fall


22) Is anyon​e in love with you?
Duh


23) Favor​ite color​ to wear?​
Paisley


24) Pepsi​ or Sprit​e?​
Shouldn't you be asking Pepsi or Coke?


26) Where​ is your secon​d home?​
A villa in St Barts


27) Have you ever slapp​ed someo​ne?​
Joan Collins would be proud of my slapping skills


29) How many lamps​ are in your bedro​om?​
Two, one that's not plugged in and the other who's bulb went out last week


30) How many video​ games​ do you own?



31) What was your first​ pet?
A rock


32) Where​ do you want to live when you'​re older​?​
Take meta mars!


33) Do looks​ matte​r?​
Only if you're hot


34) Do you use chaps​tick?​
yes, but only on my thighs


36) Aberc​rombi​e or Ameri​can Eagle​?​
I can't spell either


37) Are you too forgi​ving?​
Three strikes, you're out. Four, and you're looking at loosin a finger


38) How many child​ren do you want?​
enough to keep my house clean


39) Do you own somet​hing from Hot Topic​?​
maybe... I shoplifted a pair of shoes from there once


40) Favor​ite break​fast meal?​
A big ole bowl of oatmeal, followed by a big ole bowl of weed

Oh, MJ, how I miss you...


41) Do you own a gun?
Just these two! Got your tickets to the gun show yet??


42) Ever thoug​ht you were dead?​
Yeah, as I floated above my unconscious body


43) When was the last time you cried​?​
Yesterday, but I was getting dental surgery with no anesthesia 


44) What did you do 5 night​s ago?
I sniff to much glue to remember that far back


45) Olive​ Garde​n?​
That's not a real question


46) Have you ever calle​d your teach​er mommy​?​
Only in bed...


47) Have you ever been in a castl​e?​
I live in one


48) Nickn​ames?​
Sexi boi 

49) Do you know anyon​e named​ Gertr​ude or Berth​a?​
That's what I call my left pinky toe and my right elbow! Respectivly


50) Ever been to Kentu​cky?​
Twice last june for some drug runnin


51) Do you own somet​hing from Banan​a Repub​lic?​
I own a young Banana picker from the dominican republic...


52) Are you think​ing about​ someb​ody right​ now?
mm.... Karl Rove...



53) Ever calle​d someb​ody Boo?
of course


54) Do you own a diamo​nd ring?​
One for each finger and two per toe



55) Do you want to witne​ss a torna​do?​
I want to swim in the middle of one... I've written to the make a wish foundation three times about it already


56) Are you happy​ with your life right​ now?
For the most part... 

SCHOOL SUCKS


57) Do you like your hair?​
I like my eyelashes...


58) Does anyon​e have a crush​ on you?
probably



60) What were you doing​ on May 8th of 1994?​
playing doctor with my curious neighbor


61) Do you own a Backs​treet​ Boys CD?
All six


62) McDon​alds or Wendy​s?​
Subway?


64) Are you close​r to your mothe​r or fathe​r?​
Mother



65) Favor​ite physi​cal featu​re of the prefe​rred sex?
Knees


66) Are you afrai​d of the dark?​
I love that show!


67) Have you ever eaten​ paste​?​
I'll try anything twice


70) Ever broke​ a bone?​
my pinky toe slipping on a plastic wal mart bag


71) Are you relig​ious?​
religion is a human institution


uh I think​ we skipp​ed numbe​r 72?
I think so too... I wonder how offensive it was?!?


73) Pring​les or Lays?​:​
Anything's better than plain lays... except pizza pringles


74) Have you ever broke​n someo​nes heart​?​
I've not just broken it, I've ripped hearts out chests and stomped on them. Literally. Just something I picked up in karate class


uhm once again​ we'​re missi​ng a numbe​r.​




76) Full House​ or The Brady​ Bunch​?​:​
Brady Bunch. Uncle Jessie can suck a nut


77) Do you like your high schoo​l guida​nce couns​eler?​
more than life itself


78) Has anyon​e ever calle​d you a tease​?​
always


79) Do you have a birth​ mark?​
nope


80) Do you own a car?
yeah, but it's like an inch and a half long and says hot wheels on the side


81) Can you cook?​
cereal.... toast....


82) 3 thing​s that annoy​ you?
misquotes, the smell of wet tires, ottomans (ottomen?)


83) Do you text messa​ge often​?​
always


84) Money​ or love?​
drugs


85) Do you have any scars​?​
on my face


86) What do you want more than anyth​ing right​ now?
cock


87) Do you enjoy​ scary​ movie​s?​
not as much as porn... but scary porn is the best


where​ the fuck is quest​ion 88?! 
gone, daddy, gone

89) Big Red or Juicy​ Fruit​?​
sounds like a pair of two dollar whores


91) Have you seen all the Rocky​ movie​s?​
none of them


92) Do you own a box of crayo​ns?​
I wish I did....


93) Are you in a compl​icate​d relat​ionsh​ip?​
every relationship is complicated. Especially the one between me and the mail man...

94)

que?


95) Who was the last perso​n that made you mad?
Charlie Koffman


96) Who was the last perso​n that made you cry?
James Earl Jones


97) Who was the last perso​n that made you laugh​?​
Ry Ry. Hit that bitch, homeboy!


98) Who was the last perso​n that texte​d you?
Micky Rorke


99) Who was the last perso​n you calle​d?​
Krystal Lite


100) Who was the last perso​n to call you?
The Austin Police Dept... but I didn't answer. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Cancer

I finally scheduled my CAT scan. It's on Tuesday and  I'm scared. 

On Dreamin

I had a dream last night where I had sex with not one but two different friends of mine.

Not at the same time, of course.

Sex dreams always throw me off. I never know how to take em. Do they mean I want to have sex with them? That I'm just a horny perv? Do they have something to do with my mother? What is it? 

Maybe all of the above.

I do believe that dreams can tell you something about yourself, even if it is just something trivial, like when you dream about Bugs Bunny the day after watching Space Jam. Maybe it means you need to quit your job, move to California and become a cartoonist, or maybe it just means you watched Space Jam the day before.

Take the last dream I had. It was about Sunshine, my beautiful lil bong. She's so cute. Just lookin at her makes me smile. Maybe it's her curvy femmy body, or her bright yellow color. Maybe it's the little rim of white on the lip where her insides peek out like a petticoat. Or maybe it's the sentimentality of my first bong. I don't know, I just really like her. 

ANYWAY, about three days after I quit smokin weed (because yes, motherfuckers, I don't smoke weed anymore. Woo...) I had a dream about her and three other bongs that looked just like her, but two of them were blue and they were all actually... balloons. Water balloons that kept bursting. In the dream, one of them was my roommates, (which is probably why the dream balloons were blue- he has a little blue bong) and I had to keep his and my lil sunshine safe, and I was really paranoid about it. The other two bongs were just there, and, as I said, they kept poppin when I tried to smoke out of them or move them, because, like, duh, you can't smoke weed out of a water balloon. 

I think that dream meant that I was scared of my bong breaking in these next few months that I'm not smoking but living with potheads. On Saturday, I came home from work to find a party goin on in my house, and sunshine getting passed around in my roommate's room. I didn't go in and take it away because I knew that wouldn't be cool to make my roommate or whoever said it was OK to use sunshine look like an ass in front of these party goers, and I was already in a bitchy mood- I didn't want to kill the party, but my blood ran cold. Strangers! With their lips around my baby! I've heard so many scary stories from people who had their pieces broken or stolen at parties. Hell, my first favorite piece, a little rainbow pipe called Princess Fiona, was stolen from a party that I wasn't even at. I still miss her sometimes...

But I should probably get ready for school now. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Probably Too Much Info For A Public Blog

I think I want to have sex with my theatre teacher. 

No, I know I do.

He's not particularly good-looking, nice, or interested in me, but there's something.... something about him. He's got this passion and self confidence and inhibition rolling around in his crazy eyes (because he's got the crazy eyes) that I find very sexy, and I can't help but think- or know?- that he'll be a good lover. 

I bet he has a big penis too...

*Disclaimer*

I actually don't think I will ever do the dirty with this guy, but I think the idea of it will keep me docile in his class.

Yesterday he yelled at me more than once while I was working on my monologue in front of the class. He had me do some insane (although helpful, I must say) exercises, and the one thing that was keep me from flicking him off and yelling back and generally causing a big ole mess of trouble for myself was the thought in my head of "I bet he's a really good kisser. I wonder what his beard would feel like on my cheek?"

Sleeping with him- fuck, flirting with him- would actually be a very bad idea. He's my teacher, my superior, someone above me, the dude that decides if I pass or fail. No matter how many dirty little fantasies one might have about taboo relationships like that (student/teacher, boss/secretary, guard/prisoner) parings like that just don't work. the balance of power is off. 

So it's never going to happen, but I know my dirty lil thoughts will keep me behavin in class.

Oh, what a semester this will be....

Movie Review

I saw Natural Born Killers the other night for the first time in a while. It's one of my favorite movies (seriously, every scene, every character, every camera angle is so crazy it's so GOOD!) and I've seen it a million trillion times, but it's still stuck with me. It's like Schindler's List or Napoleon Dynamite- for whatever reason, the experience of watching this movie tugs at my brain for days afterwards like a sore on the inside of my cheek. I come back to them to poke and prod at them with my mind, always aware of the movie, even if I'm not thinkin of it directly. 

Man, that's one of my favorite things about Natural Born Killers- how it always floats around my head like a ghost after watching it.

Anyway, the reason I'm sayin this is because I have come to the conclusion that it's not just a trippy Oliver Stone film, or an action movie. Natural Born Killers is a beautiful love story at it's core. Here are two people with no one else in the world but each other, who would do anything for each other. Maybe I'm a sappy romantic, or was just feeling lonely at the time, but I thought the way they touched each other, looked at each other and kissed each other (hot) was so sweetly tender, and yet strangely savage. Like the best love makin. 

Also, I got to wonderin if they (the actors, Juliette Lewis and Woody Harrison, not Mickey and Mallory Knox) had gotten busy while filming. 

It couldn't have hurt their character development.

Monday, September 1, 2008

Time

So school's started for a week, and I'm already behind in umm... everything. Just to indulge my sad sack self pity, I shall list everything I need to get taken care of but haven't.

- unpackin. Still haven't done it

- read 60 pages of Stanislofsky's book for theatre

-also for theatre, find and memorize a monologue to audition with on Wed

- clean my room

- set up an ACC account for my classes and contact two of my teachers.

- pick up the bookshelf I bought from blue velvet. I might never get it...

-pay my rent

- write an article for the Scenarios USA magazine! I can't believe I've put this off for so long....

- Hang out with Jarymar today from 1 to whenever I work. Which means none of this stuff is gonna get done. *Gulp*

-Free day of yoga?

- Work SIX shifts this week, and another one tonight. So technically seven in eight days. On top of school four days a week. Niiice. 

I don't like reading this stuff. I know how behind I am in my life through this little buzzing voice in the back of my head, but it's scary to see it all out there in ink. Or zeros and ones which this technically is. The deadline for this stuff is either overdue or today. And yet,  instead of hunkerin down and actually taken care of what I need to, I'll go get brunch and watch movies, or party like it's 1999. 

I get so jealous when I see my friends who don't work or don't go to school, who have the transportation that getting around doesn't take twice as long as it should, who can take off when they want to, who have half the responsibilities I do.

I'm nineteen! I have no major bills or debt, I don't have any children or parents depending on me to bring home the bacon- these should be the days of my life. The days where I can stay in my pjs all day, go on road trips just cuz I want to, stay up til 7 AM and sleep til 4 PM. But I can't. I really shouldn't be indulging myself in the lite leisure time I have been so far. I don't have the time, or use the time that I do have well enough to justify hangin out n havin a beer after work, or sleeping in til noon.

And that pisses me off. 

It's not fuckin FAIR that I have to be mature and responsible and take care of myself. All I get from it is a sense of smug self satisfaction when dealin with friends who's parents pay for everything, but it's really not worth getting to pay my own bills. 

I know it'll pay off in the long run, but I'm so afraid that I'm going to wake up one day, be old fat and ugly, with so many more responsibilities than I have now, and have never been to Europe, lived in New York, or taken mushrooms on a roller coster. I don't want to wait til my kids are grown, my morgage is paid and I'm retired to live life- I wanna do it NOW!!

But right right now, I have to get the fuck off the computer and get some of that school stuff taken care of. Blah. 

Have I mentioned before that this blog is much more negative than I feel? Cuz it is.