Edjamacation

So.

I'm thinking about dropping out of school this semester.

Ouch.

It's kind of scary seeing that in font. The more I think about it,  however, the more I think it's the best idea for me. 

I paid for my classes myself. No financial aid, no money from mommy. I'm totally willing to cut my losses right now and just get however much of that back as I can. 

I had lots of homework to do tonight, and even though I locked myself in my room at eight, and stared at the pile of work in front of me until two, I still only got four math problems done. 

That's it. 

I'm not ready for this. I'm not emotionally or spiritually ready for school right now. Physically, it's making me sick. I get up and go to class with a resounding NONONONONONONOOoooo... ringing between my ears. I have no wish to be there at all, no matter how interesting my classes are, no matter how much I try to change my attitude. 

I'm a huge believer of changing situations that make you unhappy. Don't like your job, relationship or living situation? Do something about it. If something about your life sucks, it's not worth living through. Whether it's an attitude adjustment, adding something stimulating to your life, or straight up loosing the negative, there's always a way to change your situation. I believe that more than anything. Put it on a fucking bumper sticker, a t-shirt, or embroider it on to a mother fucking pillow- that's my code for life. 

And although I've tried to talk myself into thinking proactively, telling myself it's a learning experience to do something I hate so much, that I can drop out next semester, that I'm already here, I might as well finish, that my teachers are interesting and my classes are stimulating (they are!) trying to change my attitude just aint cuttin it for me anymore. I am sooo unhappy with school (I even hate thinking the word. Talk about bad tastes in your mouth. Uck) that I feel like there's a weight on my chest when I think about it. Which is most of the time. I can't breathe, my mouth puckers up at the corners like wet paper and this heaviness settles into the bottom of my lungs as I hyperventilate. 

Why am I making the main focus of my life something that makes me so unhappy?

It doesn't make any sense!

My reasons for staying in school this semester were pretty flimsy. I'm at a community college, that, while a very good school with wonderful teachers, was never supposed to and will not be the peak of my educational career. I'm not taking any classes right now I really need, if only because I'm not sure what I wanna be when I grow up anyway. The main reasons I'm in school right now are to stay on my mother's insurance, which is a dumb idea anyway, since I haven't used it since I left her house, (my mouth is full of cavities, and I've been wearing glasses with two year old prescriptions for a month and a half because I don't have any contacts left.) and on the advice of well meaning friends and people in my life. 

To those cardboard houses of arguments I reply (respectively) insurance is not a reason to change your life, especially not insurance you're (I'm?) not using, and, although I appreciate the advice and caring of those that tell me to finish school before I start livin life, they are not me. They might know the conventional thing to do, but I have to listen to my heart above all else, and my heart is dying sitting in a classroom for three hours every day. It's not much, but it's also not what I need to be doing right now. I can't do it. Besides, since when have I ever been conventional? I've never followed the beaten path. There's no reason to start now. 

It's all nice and justified here on the computer at three AM (when I'm stressed, I don't sleep. And I looove to sleep. A Lot) but I still really worry about two things-

what my mommy's gonna say, 

and

that I'm gonna become a lazy pothead. 

I'll answer those directly, but now I think the sleeping pill has kicked in.

I'll finish this in the mornin. 

*Morning*

I just called my mom! I told her straight up how I feel, and although she was so angry she couldn't talk to me, I told my mother what I was going to do and didn't back down. There's a  victory in there somewhere. 

As for me becoming a lazy pothead, I'm actually going to stick to my no-smoking-for-the-rest-of-the-semester rule. Just because I'm not in a formal educational situation (man, I'm acting like I've already dropped all my classes!) doesn't mean I can't expand my mind. I'm going to stick with my acting class, read more (!) and maybe even take a few informal classes. I'm thinkin tae kuan do or yoga. Things to keep my mind and body healthy. 

But now I need to go to school. If I'm sticking with acting class, it starts in an hour, and then I actually gotta drop my classes. 

Man, what a weight has been lifted! I feel so light. 

I can do this!

Right?